Call me when you get this. Let me know where you’re at. How things are going! How are things going?
How are you doing my dear? Are you well? Do you feel well…better. Have you stopped pretending that perfection is not addictive? Oh god I wish I could have been there to save you. To hold you. To help you. To love you.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how I can help now. You seem well. We all seem well when the troubled waters become still again. When they regain that clear, vast temping stillness that only water can. When you know the slightest disruption can send ripples from the epicentre. From the epicentre to the point of chaos. Did you know that you are, were, my epicentre.
Wherever you are. Whatever you are doing. Whenever you can spare me three moments or four. I just want to hear your heartbeat in stillness. I just want to know your soul has found a home.
Impressions aren’t factual. They aren’t concrete. But your happiness is my mission, so I need to know that you’re okay. I wish I asked sooner. Checked in against my better judgement.
The presentation of a crystal doesn’t reflect its properties. Much like a dormant volcano doesn’t show the power of its eruptions. All that’s left is the history of its vigour solidified in its walls. Like your tears, do you remember them? That’s where you found your stories… your freedom.
You hid your pain in your tears and shed them for liberation. It’s healthy to spare yourself easy isn’t always bad. I’m not making sense I never do but I can see you seem well now. I can finally see you.
I miss you? It’s a question because I don’t know if I’m allowed to. You are better now. But I lived with you for so long. Am I allowed to hope that you’re okay, that that part of you is okay? Well I do all the same. I don’t know if you will ever come home. Maybe this is it now.
But I’m still scared without you and if you’re never coming back then that’s okay maybe you shouldn’t. I don’t want you to. Oh this is confusing.
What I’m saying is I’m home now here, without you. But still call me when you get this. I was so angry with you. I’m sorry I didn’t treat you better.