It has never been my aim to be fearless nor was it to be brave. I just wanted to live in the most unrestricted way possible. I just wanted to live.
How do you do it they ask, weren’t you scared? ABSOLUTELY!Most of the time when doing something new I get all the jitters and bubble guts. But I’ve learnt how to direct that nervous energy. I find it focuses me because due to my state of mind I don’t have room in my brain for all the usual traffic. I knew that life would change tremendously after Sanaa was born and with university out for the summer I thought I have to make the most of it.
All the places I’ve wanted to see and all the things I’ve wanted to do. Instead of waiting until “next year” I chose to do them now. The idea of being as free as I have been over the summer, especially with a baby was alien to me before and I still wouldn’t call myself adventurous.
What I would call myself is gobby.
That’s been the trick to my summer with Sans; to tell people my plans. Procrastinating is my favourite past time and chickening out of plans is a close second. However, if I tell people what I’m going to do I feel like it’d be embarrassing to say well actually I flaked out: so I could have a duvet day. There’s an air of accountability I adhere to once I’ve solidified plans in conversation. My aim was to experience things now so I don’t regret it then. My aim was to lead by example and if you think it’s easier now seeing as I’m always doing something new guess again.
I perspire like a chargrilled hog at the thought of some outings. It’s a good thing though it means I’m getting outside my comfort zone and doing what I set out to.
But, it has never been my aim to be fearless I just wanted to live.