The “finding out” is quite simple you take a test and call the doctor to make an appointment. Unless, you are me. I took 3 home tests 2 of which were digital. I went to the GP I had her test me too its not a standard procedure, I just wanted to be sure. Then at my midwife booking in appointment I asked for another she even said to me do you not believe that you’re pregnant the answer was no absolutely not. Shocked would be a reduction of describing how I felt stunned maybe but even that just about summed it up. It was about April so I had known about a month and had no physical symptoms of pregnancy but boy oh boy did my mind feel like jelly. Just a barrel of mess coincidentally I also had the biggest assignment of the academic year upcoming which I had not even started.
The process of accepting that my whole 5 year plan would be completely thwarted was a daunting journey. A hard and gritty realisation, the years between leaving my childhood home and creating own my home had taught me many things. One of the many and possibly most crucial things I had learned was that I was a woman with a need for hope. My hope looked very unconventional, uncomfortable, my hope was based on a need to have things done in a time frame I had set, in a way I had judged as appropriate, my hope was incredibly tangible it was where both my security and independence lay. Even through all of my adventures and ‘living’ I had structured it so I could not disappoint myself and in turn loose my hope.
To digest that I may not finish my academic year due to what most saw as a blessing I was torn and guilt consumed me. As a couple my boyfriend and I had always agreed should we fall pregnant it would be a no-brainer that we would become parents. So you see I was not torn because I was considering a termination quite the contrary I was torn because I couldn’t shake the feeling of lost hope of disappointment within myself and yet at the same time a love for a child that I’d not met felt or seen. It was the first time in nearly 5 years that I did not know what the future held and I could not plan for anything because for once instead of me happening to life, life was happening to me.