20 and Milf’in


How do you feel about your body?
That’s not a rhetorical question.

It’s something I often ask myself.
Its so loaded with meaning though; we don’t like to answer it truthfully a lot of the time. I can only speak for myself, the stage I’m at now with my body took years to get here.

I used to look at myself and be repulsed by what I saw and unlike the size 10’s in my life my size wasn’t acceptable. The idea of a girl like me being beautiful was so foreign. I still pinch myself when today I know this to be different.

I agree that society and the representation of beauty with the media isn’t the most inclusive. However the effects that has on some people is far more detrimental because of their own standards of beauty. Due to the norms and values they personally hold dear and what the aesthetics of what looking good is to them.

Maybe I’m naive but from a young age I realised that my beauty wasn’t conventional. So when I began to accept my body I started with me. I didn’t seek the like sized or faced women to validate me. When it’s all about how you feel perfection is fluid. There’s no particular size that’s the optimum one for me. I used to feel my best at a size 14 but now I’m a 18/20 and have more confidence than ever.

A lot of that has to do with my post baby bod. After I had Sanaa mentally I had some really low times and like I said in MONOLOGUE “I love what my body did (giving birth) and not what it has become”. I was such an insecure teen yet I never thought I could feel worse about myself in adulthood than I did then. But that’s exactly what happened.

I spent months in dark clothing that I hoped would hide me and hours mulling over all the pre baby clothes I couldn’t fit.

Instead of losing weight while breastfeeding I gained some. It was soul crushing to be honest it meant that my body still wasn’t mine. It felt like I was destined for eternal self loathing. After a conversation with a relative she said to me just buy clothes that fit you. I did, nothing special a pair of mom jeans but I felt so awesome in them. Then I did all the things I was against I sought out women who were in my eyes flawless and plus sized. I looked at what they wore, I shopped in places only if they had a size inclusive range. I started talking about my size instead of acting like it didn’t matter. It mattered so much to me in those times.

Finally, I had a look at the plus sized mums and I decided I wanted to be a MILF (not in the naughty sense of the but the vibe). My size became an accessory not a factor and I could be sexy if I wanted to. I didn’t care anymore about what the status quo was, I plucked up some courage and posted a photo of myself in clothes I liked. Feeling confident.

It wasn’t just for me though, it was for other mums, other women and also my daughter. For them I wanted them to know we can talk about how we feel about our bodies without being ashamed. For my daughter because one day she may grow up to look exactly like me, if she doesn’t love herself it’s because I never taught her how to. You can’t fake it either so I had to be active in my self acceptance. That also means there are still days where I’m not going to love what I look like but most days I do. I just have to be honest about that.

I’m not the most confident woman in the world and I know all the arguments that people have about health and fitness. Also I understand those who feel terms such as plus size and curve are exclusive. I wholeheartedly respect them. But, right now this is what I look like and so I have two options to continue down that very depressive road of woe is me I’m fat and ugly. Or to stay on the path I am now: My fat girl magic is real, I embrace all of my curves and I can be sexy too.




1 Comment

  1. Emily
    / 3:18 am

    What a great essay. I can totally relate, even though I’m nearly 50, white and 130 lbs, always trying to lose that last five or ten pounds! You’ve made me think, why? And what am I teaching my daughter? As you say, I need to start teaching her to love herself at any size. Thanks for this.

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